ways to annoy characters in protector of the small
by so perfect it hurts
Summary: this story is a sequal to "how to annoy characters from protector of the small." Each chapter features 10 ways to annoy all your favourite characters.
1. book 2 protector of the small

**book 2:**

**Protector of the Small**

Warning: if you don't want to read your favourite characters

being made fun of do not read!


	2. keladry

**10 ways to annoy Keledry**

**disclaimer: well! another book and a whole new character for the disclaimer. yay!!!!!!!!**

**me: yay! another book. and this time no Alana to try and kill me!!!!!!** (dances around)

**kel: hi! who are you?**

**me: gasp!!! **(backs away slowly)

**kel: what are you walking away for?**

**me: you are going to kill me as well.... (so should have seen this coming)**

**kel: why would i do that?**

**me: well when you read what i have written...** (covers mouth with hands and calls myself several kinds of stupid)

**kel: what have you written!? its about me isn't it!?!?!?**

**me: nnnnnoooooooooooooooooooo.................**

**kel: i was not born yesterday!**

**me: no. according to my calander you were born about a little over 1000 years ago.**

**kel: what??????**

**me: never mind.**

**kel: have you at least written a disclaimer for the nice people to read and understand that you infact do not own me, tamora pierce or any of her works?!?**

**me: noooooooooooooo..........**

**kel: whats the story about any way?**

**me:** (feeling a strong sence of deja vu)** nothing........**

**kel: hand it over.**

**me: no! if i give it to you i won't be able to publish the end and they won't get to see it!**

**kel:** (rudely snatching paper from poor so perfect it hurts)** !!!!!!!!!!this is about me!!!!!!!!**

**me: ok..... now would probably be a very good time to run** (starts running down the road with a very angrey kel running after) (falls in mud puddle)

**kel: now. you. die. **(brings out glave very purposfully)

**me: damn. i knew it.**

**me: gasp...... gurgle.**

**ok! on with the actual story**

10.) give her a baby griffin as a birthday present

9.) lock her in a room with iris vale stone (the annoying fur merchant) and don't let her out until she agrees to streak through her refugee camp

8.) Dress up as a killing device and jump out from behind a bush shouting "mama!"

**Warning: dressing up as a killing device may be hazardous to the health**

7.) Make a point of standing on something e.g. a box or crate every time you talk to her when she yells at you to stop it laugh. Then cry when she walks away. Don't stop crying until she apologises and does the chicken dance on the wall

6.) While she is sleeping move her bed to the top of a very tall tree video her reaction and send it to everyone! More popcorn will be required

5.) Decide her name is now Kelly dry boots. refuse to call her anything else refuse to go away refuse to tell her how you came up with such a stupid name… slowly back away when threatened with a glaive.

4.) Start Nealan of Queenscove on an endless debate. Convince him Keledry would like to hear it and would be REALLY disappointed if he didn't share his knowledge with her.

3.) Take care of a killer unicorn and inform Kel that you win the prize for the most viscous animal being raised by a human. If Kel ignores you set your killer unicorn on her. Get all annoyed and upset if she kills it

2.) Inform our Kel that Wyldon has a thing or her and placed her in charge of a refugee camp so she wouldn't get hurt. Inform Wyldon you told Kel he loved her. Now would be a good time to invest on a means of transportation faster then Wyldon's.

1.) Follow Kel around screaming at the top of your voice: make way or the protector of the small! Ignore Kel when she tells you not to call her that, Ignore Kel when she orders you to go away, ignore Kel when she makes empty threats, ignore Kel when she stalks off… run away when she comes back with her glaive.


	3. Neal

**10 ways to annoy Nealan of Queenscove**

**disclaimer:**

**me: (carefully checks around for kel) Yay!!!!! a whole new chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**kel:** (steps out from behind a rock) **figured that you would write a new one sooner or later! what is this one about?**

**me:** (glances around for an exit... sees a fence leading to an empty paddock)** this one is about Neal.**

**kel: Neal! you are a bully! i hate bullies. do you know what i do with them!?** (takes a menacing step foreward)

**me:** (starts edging towards fence)** actually i think i got a pretty good idea during reading your series of books (which by the way i do not own)**

**kel: you have until 5 to hand over that sheet of paper!!! 1.....2......**

**me :** (jumpes over fence)** you'll never get it!!!!!!!!!!!!** (stupidly trips over a cow pat)

**kel: and.....5!!!!** (grabs poor so perfect it hurts and drags back over fence)

**me:** (i forgot she could run faster then me....)** sigh.... gasp.... gurgle.**

**on with the annoyance of Neal!!!!!!!!!!!!**

10.) accidentally let it slip his daughter will be trying for knight hood

9.) remember the speech about kels hotness? Now would be a good time to dig up those palm cards again….

8.) After completing the speech inform him for many months as a page kel had a HUGE chrush on him and he just ignored her and made her sit through stupid love poems and songs for many years. Watch his expression change and the blood drain from his face. Bring popcorn.

7.) Start him on an endless debate. Continuously interrupt him in the middle of a sentence with pointless questions that have no answer for example " neal could you please halp me with this maths problem? (don't wait for an answer) if a person got locked in a food cupboard for one hourhow much food did they eat? Watch his ace get redder and redder as he can't answer any of them. Leave before he throws something.

6.) While he is alone in the stables softly call his name. do this often, but not often enough he can figure ou where it comes from. Do this over the course of a few weeks until he is convinced there is a ghost in the stables haunting him and refuses to go into the stables. Watch lord Wyldon hand out punishment. Bring chocolate to go with your popcorn

5.) Bribe irnai the seer child to constantly follow him around shouting out embarrassing thing that will happen in his future. Laugh.

4.) Reaveal to him that you are infact the ghost of the stables.

**It is advised after number 6 that you bring protection from death magic. Especially if neal screams "ill give you ghost of the stables!" and starts trying to kill you**

3.) Put green hair dye in his shampoo. Tell him the colour suits him. When he insults you inform him in a haughty voice that insults are the last resort for people with no vocabulary.

2.) continuously call him "meat head" add that the meat is american cafeteria meat loaf.

1.) inform him that yuki stands for: yellow, ugly, kissing, insect


	4. Wyldon

**10 ways to ****annoy Wyldon.**

**disclaimer:**

** me: ok! this one is a good one!!!!!!!**

**kel: whos this one about?**

**me: aaarrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!!!! where the hell did you come from?!**

**kel: i've been following you around..... so who's it about!?**

**me: wyldon......**

**kel: oh. thats alright then.**

**me: don't you want to kill me?!**

**kel: no. wyldon will do it himself when he finds out!**

**me: (gasps in horror...)**

**on with the annoyance of Wyldon!!!!!!!!**

10.) Completely and totally mess up his room. I.e. switch two pairs of socks which he has meticulously ordered in colours in alphabetical order from darkest to lightest.

9.) Tell him he won a horse breeding program and has won a million dollars. Come back later and say you accidentally read the list backwards and he actually came last. Say sorry and back away slowly. Maintain eye contact to the last possible moment.

**It is advised you wait for his face to turn from purple to a nice light red**

8.) Finish every argument with, "what you gonna do Wyldon? Make me clean chain mail?" when he says yes reply with "bite me Wyldon" and start crying. Until he orders you to stop! (Make sure the stop is accompanied by the ! and the _______ ) agree to leave and then once outside his door stop and sing opera in a really high pitched voice. Laugh…..then run away

7.) Burst into classes he teaches screaming "I love you Wyldon!" randomly do this over the course of the next few weeks. Warning: do not do this in any classes that involve weaponry.

**For variation you could scream: "marry me ****Wyldon!"**

6.) Convince the pages to put honey over his door accompanied by a sack of feathers. Convince the cook to make roast chicken for dinner. Laugh. And blame it on Joren.

5.) Ask him in a grandmotherly voice if his scar is hurting and "just let grandmamma do her ancient remedy" mix up all the bitter herbs you can think of and then laugh as his face screws up. (If there is an unexpected side effect of boils, vomiting etc all the better.) It is advised you have more then one exit from the room.

4.) Devise a speech about Kels hotness and make him hear it again and again….

3.) Switch two more pairs of socks. Convince him he is mad.

2.) Change all his clothes into girls clothes.

1.) Take a pickaxe to the chamber of ordeal.


	5. peach blossem

**10 ways to annoy peach blossom**

**Disclaimer:**

**Kel: you are annoying my horse now!?**

**Me: well…. You have to admit it's a good idea.**

**Kel: no. I don't think it's a good idea!**

**Me: oh…. Well you are prejudiced.**

**Kel: you have until I reach 10 to run far, far away.**

**Me: (looks around. Sees a house I can run into.)**

**Kel: 5….6…..7**

**Me: rrrrrrrruuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Runs into house hides behind box)**

**Kel: and…….. 10**

**Kel: come out come out where ever you are.**

**Me: **(silence)

**Kel: fine I will have to find you then. (Searches behind my box first)**

**Me: sniff! Dddoooooonnnn'ttttttt kkkkkiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!! **(Tries to run out window - fail) **what if I say I don't own Tamora pierce, her works or peach blossom?! **(Tries to run out door- fail)

**Kel: um no. but good try**

**Me: there has to be something I can do!!!!!! **(Tries to climb up chimney – fail)

**Kel: well there is one thing……**

**Later that day**

**Me: I look ridiculous!**

**Kel: I think you look cute!**

**Me: is it really necessary to wear the clown suit?**

**Kel: defiantly**

**Me: and does the ENTIRE town have to be here?**

**Kel: yea pretty much**

**Me: ****must**** I do the chicken dance?!**

**Kel: that's my favourite part …. Unless we go back to plan A….**

**Me: fine….. **(Starts dancing and singing the chicken dance while wearing a clown suit in front of the entire village) (Decides that next time it isn't worth it….)

**I hope you appreciate what I went through to bring you this chapter…..**

**On with the story!!!!!!!!**

10.) be a human

9.) be an animal

8.) be a plant

7.) be any living or non living organism on the entire land and/or water mass of the orb we refer to as earth.

6.) be neal

5.) use spurs

4.) Call him cherry blossom

3.) tell him that stallians are FAR better.

2.) give sugar and oats to every horse in his stable….. except him

1.) ask him what kind of a boy has the name peach blossom?!

**warning: although peach blossom is not a stallion he can be stallion mean at times and it is advised the is a solid concrete wall between him and you.**


	6. Raoul of golden lake

**10 ways to annoy Raoul of golden lake**

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: Raoul, Raoul, Raoul. Where for art thou Raoul? What light through yonder window breaks? Tis the east and Raoul is the sun**

**Kel: you disgust me.**

**Me: oh I'm sorry. I suppose three in the morning is a bad time to be quoting Romeo and Juliet.**

******Kel**: he is far too old for you.

**Me: um… how to break this to you…. I actually don't really like him. It's just part of my chapter.**

******Kel**: oh is it just!

**Me: nnnnnnnooooooooooooooooo…………… (I am so gone now….)**

******Kel**: listen here! I. do. Not. Want. You. To. Publish. This. Chapter!

**Me: sorry. no can do. disclaimer written and all! It says that I do not own-**

******Kel**: yea yea I have heard it all before! You do not own Tamora pierce, her works, me, in this case Raoul and every other friggin' Person in the Tamora pierce books.

**Me: temper, temper! (Also in this case I don't own those Romeo and Juliet lines up the top.)**

******Kel**: ooo you so dead!

**Me: **_**gulp**_**. (Yea I know. you think I would have learnt by now)**

**Me; (looks around notices sing star plugged into a TV) I know! I will sing you for it!**

******Kel**: what the hell! Was that even invented in my time?!

**Me: nope! I am going to make millions!**

******Kel**: sing you for it…..hmmmm an interesting concept……

******Kel**: ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

******Kel**: ………………………………………………………………

******Kel**: welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

**Me: yes?**

******Kel**: no.  
me: gasp, gurgle….

**On with the story!!!!!**

10.) At three in the morning quote Romeo and Juliet outside his window

9.) Tell Buri that according to the entire population of Tortal Raoul was sleeping with Kel when she was a squire

8.) Set him up in heaps of jousting matches with lord Wyldon

7.) Say that many people noticed the "special fondness" of Alan the page

6.) Seat him with all the greedy matchmaking mothers in… THE WORLD!!!! Mwahahahaha!!!!!!!

5.) make him go to every dinner party for thee next month – take away the curtains so he has no where to hide.

4.) Do all your tasks slowly until he shouts at you to move with deliberate speed. Reply with: "that's how I'm doing it… deliberately"

3.) Tell him no-one is really born with lead in his backside so he must have had it implanted.

2.) Get third company to list all the times he fell off his horse

1.) Recite this poem:

Houses are big,

Lord Raoul is too.

His treatment of squires,

Makes them want to sue!

He never drinks wine,

Instead he jousts all day

Actions at dinner parties way out of line

King Jon made him pay!

You are a bad man,

Kel always did say.

You should kick in the can

Or be found floating belly up in the bay!


	7. Dom

**10 ways to annoy Dom**

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: well! You've all asked for it and HERE IT IS!!!!!!**

**Kel: well, well, well…..**

**Me: gasp!**

**Kel: new chapter huh?**

**Me: ye-yeeeesssss…..**

**Kel: ok then**

**Me: (huh?)**

**Me: oh I see! I'll find you lurking in some dark alleyway. Or wake up with your glaive sticking out of me…. (Shudders in horror but was sort of expecting something like this to happen.)**

**Kel: no. just say that you don't own Tamora pierce, her works or any of her characters and you and I are quits.**

**Me: WHAT!?**

**Kel: yep.**

**Me: but… no killings? No final breaths? No…. nothings?**

**Kel: nope.**

**Me: the readers have come to expect it though.**

**Kel: well! They shouldn't take anything for granted should they?**

**Me: no but well this is Dom though. are you sure – **

**Kel: DOM!?**

**Me: gasp….gurgle**

ON WITH 10 WAYS TO ANNOY DOM…. YAY!

10.) Inform him that he and Neal cheated when looks and brains were handed out.

9.) Inform him that Kel had a HUGE crush on his cousin.

8.) And now has one on him…..

7.) After 8 sing soppy love songs outside his window at three in the morning.

6.) Write stupid love poems and leave them on his desk sign them with kel's name.

5.) Leave love heart chocolates and basically any signs of affection. Always sign from Kel.

4.) Inform him that it was infact you that did 7, 6, and 5

**Note: it is advised that you know how to run at 180m/s or you had better be bullet/arrow/curse proof. **

3.) Ask him how it feels to be liked by someone twice his height

2.) Bribe Tamora pierce to write a new book where he gets sacked from the own and is gay

1.) Joke over the phone that if meat head was his cousin what does that make him? Say Kel says it makes him meat……. Beep. Beep. Phone disconnected.

**Note: it is advised that you put in a security camera to film him shouting on the phone MEAT ****WHAT****!?!?!? And turning purple Laugh. Post it on you tube.**


	8. Cleon

**10 ways to annoy Cleon**

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: ok. Chapter done. I don't own Cleon or Tamora pierce…. Wait….**

_**Me: Mum!**_

_**Mum: yeah?**_

_**Me: do I own Tamora pierce?**_

_**Mum: is she that strange lady that you have been keeping in your bedroom chained to your window.**_

_**Me: oh yea! Thanks mum**_

**Me: ok. Scrap that. I do not own Cleon or Tamora pierces work but I do own Tamora pierce.**

**Kel: SO! You did one on Cleon now huh!?**

**Me: I would be careful what you say Kel….**

**Kel: why?**

**Me: I currently have your author locked up in my bed room. And at my say so she would write that you marry….. Ummmmmm…… how about….. Dom. No. Neal? No. I know! Lord Wyldon!**

**Kel: (face an ashy white) you wouldn't!**

**Me: I would!**

**Kel: Ok! Ok! (Backs away slowly)**

**Me: yay! **

**Score: perfect 1! Kel 1….000000000000 Alanna: 20000000000**

**Me: sigh… **

**Me: notices Kel climbing out of my window with Tamora pierce) what the hell are you doing?!**

**Kel: noooottthiiinnnggg……**

**Me: (notices Kel's glaive) gasp! Gurgle….**

On with 10 ways to annoy Cleon!!!!!

10.) Being with Kel when he was betrothed….. Tsk tsk!

9.) Set him up with a jousting match with lord Wyldon. Tell him "GODS! You're going to die a virgin! Shall I get Kel to come and fix that for you?!" run. Fast

8.) Start calling him names like "pearl of my heart." And "mirage of delight"

7.) Laugh at him because his betrothed is small and he must bend double to kiss her. Remind him he didn't have to with Kel.

6.) Tell him you brought him a friend his own height.

Bring out a giant.

5.) Tell his betrothed that he was with Kel. Watch the fireworks

4.) Tell his mother that he was with Kel. Watch the fireworks.

3.) Tell Cleon what you told his mother and betrothed

**Note: It is advised you do not hang around to watch the fireworks….**

2.) Ask him what magic potion he used to turn his eyes grey and is the ugliness an unforseen side affect?

1.) State your theory that Kel loved him because he gave her love potions. That's why she didn't love him when they were separated for ages.


End file.
